If you’ve ever moved to a new place as an adult, then I’m 99.9% sure that you will understand the following statement: when you’re out of college, it’s really hard to make new friends.
Can it be done? Absolutely. Is it a lot harder than when you’re in school and have ready-made friends living next to you, attending class with you, and who have other friends they can introduce you to? Definitely. And to be honest, it’s a process and reality I had kind of forgotten about for a while. When I first moved to SF after college, yes, there was a certain amount of loneliness, especially with all of our college friends back in LA for the most part. But with a new apartment with Joe, new people to meet in culinary school and new characters to talk to at a part time job, I don’t think I really noticed. As it happens with many adults, once I finally started working, my office became a great place to make new friends — and in some cases, stay that way, even after I left a given job. And then you meet people through your co-workers and quickly, a nice little group is formed.
In New York though, things have been a bit different. Since I work from home, I don’t have as big of an opportunity to meet new people in an office and bond over the water cooler or daily lunches. And, I’m home all day, which means reduced opportunities for friendship ‘meet-cutes’ at shops or cafes (ehh, not like I’d have the balls to introduce myself to a random at a cafe anyway!). I’ve had the pleasure of getting to meet and hang out with a whole host of bloggers here in the city, which is fabulous; the only problem I’m finding is that with many of my close friends back on the West Coast or scattered about the country, I’ve been craving more personal connections in my social world here (makes sense, right?). But when you get a bunch of bloggers together, the reality is there’s often a lot of industry talk happening. Fun sometimes, but not so much if you’re really trying to get to know people and figure out if there’s the potential for a real, lasting friendship.
Obviously, building a strong, lifelong friendship takes time — probably even years. My closest friends are unsurprisingly ones that I’ve known for a long time, and while we don’t live in the same place, there’s so much history there that when we email or Skype or get together, things just click back into place. That’s something that only years of brunches, hang outs, and vacations can do. And while I’m on my way to building many strong friendships here, I have been feeling a little defeated at the thought of how long it might take to create a community again in my daily life. I’m working on it, but at the same time, it’s frustrating, and you just want to wake up and have your crew and not go through the whole friendship “dating” process!
So I’m really curious: how do you make friends? Are most of your friends the same group of people you hung out with in high school or college? If you’ve moved to a new city where you didn’t know a ton of people, how did you create a community for yourself? I’m really interested to see how other people have handled this as adults, what you did to change it, and how you’re feeling now!
{Image Credit: Dean Street Society}
OMG I need the answer to this question! I just finished my PhD and my husband and I moved to a little middle-of-nowhere city in central Illinois. He’s looking for a job, and while I have coworkers at my new job, people live all over the place and (because I’m young for a new PhD and because this is my first job) the majority of my coworkers are a lot older than we are. We would love to meet some other couples our in our same life stage
I keep trying to think of things that I do and that can be done in groups so I can maybe join some groups. The problem is that living in this economically-depressed blue-collar town, there are no groups for things I like to do (no local yarn shops with knitting nights; the only possible stich-n-bitch is at 9am on a Tuesday; no book clubs that don’t meet during daytime working hours, no classes at the local Joann’s store, etc.)
I have the added problem of being a college professor: a lot of the things in town for the younger set are targeted at students. My students. And while I’m flexible about the ages of my friends, I kind of need friends who aren’t my students!
I just moved to a middle-of-nowhere city in central IL (near Springfield) for my husband’s new job!
I could totally relate to this post and then I saw your comment and it sounded just like me! I travel a lot for work, so I can’t really take any scheduled classes (not that many are offered in the area) and it’s just tough to find people with similar interests.
I hope you two are both near Springfield…you should meet up!! That would seriously make me so happy. :)
Just remembered to come back and see responses and saw this! I am also near Springfield :) Tara, I’m going to comment on your blog, so if you want to get in touch you’ll have my email without my having to post my full name here (no pressure though!)
I LOVED this post so much! I am French and moved the Johannesburg (SA) to live with my South African now husband. It took me -and I am not exaggerating- 5 years to make proper, real, meaningful friendships. To be honest, I am very shy and introvert hence why it took so long but still, it’s HARD. At the beginning of this year my husband was offered a job down in Cape Town which is insanely beautiful and just the best city to live in within SA, yet we decided not to go, mainly because we were fearing loneliness. We were freaked out at the idea of no longer seeing our friends who are such a huge part of our lives. I hope and know that you will build strong friendship in NY! Love your blog so so much ! xx Camille
Thank you, Camille!
This is something I hear people talk about all of the time after leaving college. I am from upstate NY but lived in Connecticut after college. I made a few close friends at work but also made some great friends by picking up a kickboxing class. I went to the same days/times of the week so there was always familiar faces there. Surprisingly, I made some of my best friends by hanging out with my other friends’ friends. It started out as a group of us but in some instances I became closer with the ‘friend of a friend’ than the original friend!
I can totally relate! I had a built-in network when I moved to Boston after college, but when I relocated to Chicago with my now husband I found myself very lonely. It is really hard to make friends as an adult!
I mainly work from home, too, and after moving overseas it was daunting to think about making new friends, in a new language. Getting plugged into a church really helped a lot, as did getting invited to join a book club that a co-worker (I teach a couple of university classes) invited me to.
While the internet definitely takes the edge off a major relocation at this point in life, it can’t substitute for the real deal. However, friendship building ‘IRL’ has -for me- been made trickier by having an unconventional employment situation and not having children (it seems a lot of people in my age bracket have identities centered around their roles as employee and/or parent). That said, I’ve developed some great friendships w/people who are much older than my ‘typical’ friend age.
For me, the key has been to keep putting my (introvert)self out there, trying new things, being open, and -above all- being patient.
Also, it totally affects my marriage in terms of what I consciously/unconsciously expect from my husband. Yeah, relocating isn’t easy, I hear you, but it does get better over time!
Such great advice, Juliette! I forget about the patience part early and often. :)
Oh my goodness this is so my heart right now! Something that once felt so natural and easy is now a daunting task. I moved away from all of my college friends when I got married and that transition (even after 10 months) is still hard. You never think you’ll feel that loneliness as an adult, but it’s real!
Making friends is hard. I make a conscious effort to schedule dates with my friends or even people who I would like to become my friends. Lately I have been leaning towards doing fun activities like baking, yoga, ect too… something to bond over.
Note: Don’t hesitate to contact me if you are ever lonely in NYC. I work in the city now, so it’s much easier than coming from LI. OH! & I promise no blog chit chat too. :)
Let’s do it!!!
Post-college is the hardest time to make friends I think- especially if you’re in a relationship. Women who are single tend to befriend other single women (it seems like sometimes they HATE women in secure relationships, which is odd), so I feel left out a lot. Thankfully, I’m surrounded by tons of great people at my office, so I try to make friends that way.
I joined a meetup group for girls that had similar interests as I do. I went to brunch here or there or a social event and listened and chatted to new people & of course then naturally you gravitate towards a certain person and Boom your friends! It’s really changed my life!
I have moved around a lot so I have always had to make new friends from Atlanta, Chicago and now Saudi and I always have managed to do so. I get a long pretty well with people but have always been a bit picky with who I am close to. Luckily I have made friends all over the world and I am still close with most of them.
I’ve had the same problem, I’ve moved twice in the past three years. I’ve found friends through workout classes/going to the gym. Not only am I improving my body but I’m also improving my soul by finding people that like the same things I do, spin, dance, strength, clothes, wine…I try to go consistently and stand in the same spot so the ‘regulars’ see me and maybe remember me and it will be easy to say ‘wow your arms are amazing’ or ‘where did you get those pants?’ As a regular introvert I find complements go a long way in making friends and easily opens the door to a new friendship.
I just made a new friend on Monday. She and I travel in the same social circles and our husbands are friends but we have only just said hello to each other. I just picked up the phone invited her to lunch and we had a great time. At the end of lunch I said I feel like I made a new best friend and I did. We’ve already made plans to get together again. It’s kind of like dating you just have to put yourself out there and be open.
Oh, girl, I feel you. I’ve blogged about this, too: http://www.greatestescapist.com/2013/09/on-not-having-any-friends-still.html I live in a small town on the Jersey Shore – moved here about a year & a half ago – & it’s impossible to find people. I feel like I’ve tried everything.
Girl, you took the words right out of my mouth! I have been talking to some of my friends about this lately! I have moved several times, and each time the situation is a little different (already have friends in the new city, or am going to work in a big office where I can meet people easily, or am moving for school and have that built-in network immediately, etc.) My most recent move to Charleston has definitely been the hardest–we didn’t know anyone here when we moved, I am working from home starting my own business, and I’ve decided that making friends as a couple is maybe even harder than making friends when single (4 people have to hit it off instead of just 2!)
I’m really having to push myself out of my comfort zone to try to meet people in new settings. It sounds so basic, but the thing I miss the most is having a group of friends that I know and love that live close by. A phone call is great, but that in person time over coffee or a cocktail or an afternoon of shopping is really priceless.
I guess it just takes time, and in the mean time, those phone calls and emails mean so, so much!
You’ve got to check out “MWF seeking BFF” by Rachel Bertsche!
I second that. Her experiences are spot on with this post.
I’ve heard of this book! Now I’ll definitely have to read it.
This is such a great post, Victoria! I’ve found the number of friends I’ve made since graduating college has definitely decreased, but the quality of people I choose to be close to has increased (does that make sense?). These days, I mostly meet people that are friends of friends, through blogging or through work. I have friends who, like me, are transplants into NYC, some who are “natives,” some who are my friends in relationships (whose boyfriends I’m also friends with) and some who I have single girls nights out with. I think it takes all kinds to keep life fun and interesting!
Loved the honesty of this post! While I’m still in college I have moved and lived all over the world and let’s be honest, making friends is tough! Like you said, the friends that last a lifetime are usually ones you have known a long time. So, that’s why sometimes you just have to spark a conversation in the corner coffee shop, comment on a woman’s outfit, or say a simple hello to a stranger.
I was in your shoes when I first moved into the city. While I’m very content with my circle now, my motto my first 12 months here was “say yes to everything.” I met some amazing people along the way, a lot of interesting characters that make for great stories, and ultimately found myself knowing what I wanted and NEEDED in friendships as I grew older.
These days, the new people I meet are at my co-working space, Neuehouse. Come hang with me there one day!
7 years ago I moved 280 miles to my new home with my then boyfriend…now husband.
I cried all the way here and every day for the first 6 months. I had no friends or family nearby and felt lost and hopeless. For nearly another year after that I toyed with the idea of “getting out there” to meet new friends, but found it hard to pluck up the courage. Eventually I took the first tentative step to go to a knitting group at a local coffee shop. I never looked back. By the end of the evening I’d not only connected with a diverse group of women who shared one of my creative passions, but with one woman who was beginning her journey to adopt a child, just as we were.
Today, I have a life more wonderful than I could ever have envisaged. I have a close circle of amazing friends…all of them feisty, fearsome, funny women. Without that first evening I doubt this would have happened and I’d have missed out on a great deal of joy and laughter. And strangely, once you take the first step, the second one, and the third, become easier. You never know when you might meet your next best friend, but I do know you’ll only meet them if you meet them half way.
oh em gee I have no idea! I am moving to Nashville this weekend with my childhood friend and it’s gonna be a serious “hi you look cute im emily” situation at bars
I’m moving to Nash too and don’t know anyone! Let’s be friends! LOL
I think people down there are nice, so hopefully it’ll be easy to make friends :)
Awww, I love this post–I can very much relate! I moved to Salt Lake City for grad school and found it really difficult to meet friends with common interests, both during school and now that I’m the youngest person by about 15 years at my place of employment. One thing I’ve found that helps is the website meetup.com. You can join tons of different groups (for example, I’m in a hiking group, running group, and Spanish-language group) and are guaranteed to meet people with at least one thing in common with you :) I’ve found that some of the groups aren’t suuuuuper conducive to close friendships (i.e., Spanish-language group is mostly retirees) but I think the more you put yourself out there the easier it becomes to meet others.
That being said, I’ve been here three years now and still struggle at times with not having as many solid friendships as I’m used to. I’m looking forward to reading the comments on this post for more ideas :)
I wasn’t familiar with Meetup! Great resource!
I moved to the West Coast after having all my friends with me back in New York. And now I work from home, too, so office friends are kind of out of the question.
It’s been nine months and it’s starting to get better — so have courage! (I have to keep telling myself that as well.) I agree with Hitha that it’s all about saying yes to every opportunity in these beginnings stages. It also helps to really put yourself out there. I know you said you don’t have the guts to intro yourself to a new person at a cafe, but sometimes that’s what you gotta do. (I do understand that it’s a little easier to do that in Cali vs. NYC.)
I feel like my time here so far has been going up to strangers and saying, “Hi! My name is Archana, this is my story etc.” It’s tiring and can make you feel lonely but 1 out of 10 introductions like that have led to really wonderful relationships. Sucky odds, but I think that’s just how it goes when you’re new.
Also, I thought Meet Up would help but it didn’t really. Meeting friends of friends of friends has been my #1 way to make friends.
Give it some time and I know you’ll find the friendships you’re looking for :)
Oh…and then I saw your comment on Meetup. Womp wompppp.
I so admire you for being able to intro yourself like that. As bad as this sounds, I just don’t think that’s my personality at all! I know I’m missing out, but it gives me anxiety to even think about walking up to someone on the subway or something and introing myself. Commenting on a book they’re reading? Maybe.
There are a lot of people reading on the subway so that’s a great idea! But I do agree, it’s so intimidating to mosey up to a stranger. As far as Meet-up, I’m sure everyone has different experiences. I think my activity choices skew on the grandmother side (i.e. movie + dinner outings as opposed to bar crawls), so I didn’t have luck. But I’d love to hear how everything’s going a few months from now. I could use the perspective!
YES! I work from home, too (after relocating last August for my husband’s MBA program). I was confiding in a good friend about this whole friends issue in the Spring, and she gave me some really good advice. She said that making friends post-college, post-comfort zone is one of the hardest things in the world–which felt so good to hear because it’s the truth! She said that to make friends in this transitional season of life, you have to treat it like dating–invite new acquaintances to be your gchat friends, be the person who sets up a girls dinner, make sure to ask around before going to get a mani pedi alone (someone always needs one!). Also, hold-off on bringing the men around until you’ve gotten a chance to have lunch or coffee together… I find that during a double date, conversation is gender-neutral (not what you’re looking for in a good girlfriend!).
Have faith! You’ll look back on this year soon and think about how far you’ve come!
This is all GREAT advice! Maybe this is part of the problem. I really have not dated in, oh, 12 years (no, seriously), so I have no idea how to even go about these things.
That this problem exists is beyond true, as all the other comments are testifying. My solution is to view my social circle as a beginning, rather than an end. For every friend you make, you gain access to all her friends…and if you like her, chances are that you’ll like the people she chooses to spend her time with. Not to say that you have to pick one person and adopt her circle wholesale, but it helps a little!
This is looming especially large in my mind right now, as my husband and I contemplate a move from LA to NYC. I think we’d love it, but yikes…talk about starting over!
This post and all the comments are so SPOT ON! I moved from Sydney to SF last year, and I’m about to up and move again to New York in December. It took me a good 4 or 5 months to really settle here in SF and make a few real friend connections, and there were more than a few tears in the beginning when I was feeling quite lost and alone. I’m also self-employed, no kids, so there are limited opportunities for meeting new people. Looking back on it I made most of my friends here via other friends (“Oh you’re moving to SF? So-and-so lives there, I’ll put you in touch!”) and by taking burlesque classes (nothing brings a group of girls closer together than a shared terrifying/liberating experience, of which beginner burlesque is both!)
I found that actually being completely honest and flat out saying “I’m new here and its so hard to make friends as an adult… can we hang out sometime?” is how most of my friendships started. That and following up – connecting on Facebook, making plans to regularly see people and really build that relationship from ‘someone I know’ to ‘friend’.
So in that spirit… when I get to NY in December I’d love to hang out sometime! :)
Yes! Please email me. :)
Wow a topic right after my own heart. This is a tough question to answer especially if in college you didn’t make those lifelong connections and friendships. For my husband and I, we have always struggled with friendships since elementary school. Both being introverts, dorky, and both incredibly mature for our age at each stage of life made it hard to fit in when you don’t get the kids in your own grade, older kids don’t want to be seen with younger kids and well younger kids are frankly even more immature than the kids in your own grade.
It’s been a real struggle for both of us and even more so spending more than half your life going through that alone. Then my husband and I met each other and finally each had our first and only best friends in each other. I married my best friend and while that is still the relationship I hold in the highest regard over everything else we both agree sometimes as a couple we get lonely and wish we had other friends who got our jokes (in private we are total clowns), had the same interests, etc. I’d like to blame it on our parents who led the same path – dorks their whole lives, who then found their one and only best friend, got married and that’s all they need – but I know deep down it’s our fault for not trying more.
I wish I had the magical answer for friendships because I would certainly have used it a lot sooner in life, but alas I don’t. So for now I am just thankful I have my husband because without him after college I would not be faring so well right now. Life is tough for introverts and growing up makes it less easy hanging onto friends especially once everyone starts getting married and having kids. It eventually becomes more about their family and less about friends, so I’ll consider that a relationship win for my husband and I because we are definitely all about our family.
Great comment — a lot of this is very true for me as well, and perhaps Joe too. While my childhood experiences were probably different than yours, I think it created similar issues with me forming lifelong connections. I have the few people that I’m very close with, but it takes me a long time to get there!
Yes I would agree that we have had some close friends in the past, but it did take a long time to get there because of trust issues from not having such great luck with making real friends growing up. My mom used to say I had a lot of fair weather friends and to not let it get to me.
But I was thinking about it last night while my husband and I were having our random “one kid in the future” discussion and I realized that I don’t think that it’s that we have a hard time making friends when we want it to happen, but that I think the both of us are rather private people and when we do make a friend it’s almost a very sacred thing because we are so very close with those we do let in that it’s hard to let in everyone for us. We are rather guarded I think in our lives and it is not that it’s an honor to be our friend, but just that we are very selective in who we let in our lives because once we do we’re very vulnerable in the fact that we are so open with our personal details etc.
And maybe that’s what’s hindering us is that guarded attitude, but I feel that the relationship my husband and I have is so special in terms of our friendship and to allow just anyone in as a friend I think I am worried might change the dynamic. Does that make sense? I don’t know if you and Joe are the same way, but I think some of that guarded private feeling comes with marrying your best friend. Because not only were they the best friend you confided everything to, but then you married them thus sealing your friendship forever that I think the thought of having another friend enter the mix somehow doesn’t equate. We’re trying though, it’s just something you have to put yourself out there for and see what you get back. And thankfully I hope to have another 60 some odd years to try and work on that. So maybe eventually I’ll make a new friend or two, I apparently just do it at a snail’s pace. LOL.
We just moved to Cincinnati this summer (first move out of college) and the first week or two were incredibly lonely (husband at work all day and me finishing up classes online / working from home). In just a few short months though I’ve made some amazing friends that I met at our church congregation. They have an incredibly involved womens group that instantly had me invited to exercise groups, lunch groups, dinners, girls nights, etc. I have yet to meet very many people outside of that congregation so I’m super grateful for their inclusive attitude! If it weren’t for church I’m not sure how I’d make friends in a new place.
I love this post! Such honesty here. I moved to NYC after college and it wasn’t easy making new friends at first. It seemed like everyone had their own circles established and their lives were already super busy. I started going to church and got involved and now I have a new family of friends here. There are wonderful churches in the city that have great values and their events bring similar people together! Best wishes Victoria!
You are on a roll with good honest posts lately!! I can whole heartedly agree with this frustration. I was shocked post college when I moved to a new city knowing minimal people how difficult it was to make friends. I’ve been in Charlotte a while now and still would like to meet a few more friends and get to know the ones I have even more. It’s one of my goals right now.
I think patience is really key. You can’t force it so you just have to keep putting yourself out there and know that it can be a long process.
– Heath
I’m so glad to read this post! After moving to NYC from the UK last year with my husband, I’ve also found it hard to meet people. I was starting to think it was just me! My work colleagues are great, but inevitably, even out of the office conversation always revolves around work. I try to go to blogging events frequently, but even there it feels like everyone has already established their own groups- and I’ve always been shy in a crowd. Although I’ve met other people out and about, long-term friendships have never been formed- I think mostly because, especially in NY, everyone is always so busy (myself included).
We’re lucky that we are constantly inundated with friends from home who are visiting us in the states, and we even have a few friends (and friends of friends) who have also moved to NY from home too. We also have met some new, wonderful friends (also Europeans) who live in our building. But I always wondered why I have so few lasting friendships from here in the US. Maybe it’s a New York thing?! I really do think sometimes these things just take time, saying yes to everything and pushing ourselves to try new things really can lead to some great experiences, especially in this city ☺
This is something I totally just wrote about on my blog. I just moved back home after several years away and am finding out that more and more after you leave college and graduate school, it is much harder to connect socially-especially if you are also pre-kids!
I’m finding that it’s trial and error. I’m joining organizations and things and seeing if it works for me but it’s a struggle and the interwebs are helpful for not making me feel as alone!
I’m so happy to read the advice shared in the comments here. I’ve been contemplating moving somewhere else in the country for grad school, but being lonely is what’s stopping me right now.
Your posts about these sorts of thing are always spot on. My boyfriend and I just moved to San Francisco in April and given that he went to college in the area, all of his college friends were nearby. i, however, not being from SF and not having gone to college on the west coast, was at a loss for friendships.
What I started doing was reaching out to bloggers on a personal, one on one level. Along with attending a ton of group events, I tried to meet for coffee, lunch, etc and steer the conversation slightly more personally, rather than industry talk. A lot of coffee dates and lunches later, I have found a handful of girlfriends that I love both within and outside of the world of blogging.
But i’m with you! Still 8 months in and i’m still forming my social circle. If anyone has a magic pill for this, i’m all ears!
Success story here:
I just moved to Denver, with only my cat for company. I forced myself to sign up for MeetUp.com and join the “New-in-Town” group events. The first couple events were a little scary, but I found that everyone was usually so friendly and there for the exact same reason – to meet new people and have a good time doing it. That mutual vulnerability created a fun environment where it was safe to stick out my hand and say, “nice to meet you”. The more events I went to, the easier it became, and three months later, I’ve formed a fun group of friends in my new city.
I think the key is force yourself to get out of your comfort zone, join MeetUp, and commit to being social for awhile. A little scary, but well worth it!
I can totally relate! We moved back to TX after 7 years being away and found we had lots of old friends (who we love and enjoy spending time with!!), but wanted to make new friends in our new part of town. We made it a part of our goals to get involved in community outreach, and have people over to our house to entertain at least once a month, we joined a sport and social club for sand volleyball and made lots of new friends that way! You’ve already got the first step down–doing something that isn’t a part of work–w/ your French class, and your blogger friends have friends. We’ve been back 2 years and we’re still in the early stages of making life long friends too!
I really related to this post. I have moved to a few different states and always had a hard time creating meaningful relationships. I moved to OH a year ago and decided to go into Real Estate and sadly realized I didn’t know enough people to have an inner circle or “sphere of influence”(industry speak) and it had me super depressed for some time. I did join a few meet-up groups but it was super awkward some times.
Ugh. I feel you. Try doing it in a small city where it seems like everyone knows each other and is already perfectly content with their groups just the way they are. People are nice enough, but it’s hard to find anyone who wants to develop a real friendship. Though I guess it probably isn’t a lot different in a bigger city, just more groups of people who don’t want to add another person.
See also: how does someone who prefers to stay in meet other people who prefer to stay in… when we’re all just staying in. I feel like I keep meeting people who are still into bar hopping until 2 a.m., and I’m so over that. #oldlady
Definitely reading through all of these comments for ideas!
I have this discussion with people who have recently moved to NYC a lot. When I moved here, I knew absolutely no one outside of a few acquaintances I could name who lived here (but really, we were not friends, and many of them I still have never seen since moving here more than two years ago). I’m not sure if it’s an adult thing or an NYC-specific thing, but I feel like everyone goes though an obligatory shedding-of-friends phase about 6 months to a year into living here. When you first move, you’re desperate for any human connection, so you say yes to everything-but as you get more and more settled, you realize it’s OK to be a little selfish (OK, a LOT selfish) with your time. It’s precious and very limited, especially if you work full time, and you can’t say yes to everyone and everything, so you make new friends or really settle in with old friends who are on the same level as you. I’ve also found, now that I’ve been here for quite a while (quite a while meaning I didn’t leave after a year, although I’m not at the ‘wow, you’ve been there a long time!’ level yet either) that people I meet who just moved here tend to disappear from my life after a while. They’re getting settled, too! Every now and again someone pops back up, whether I run into them on the street or we reconnect at an event. Adult friendship world is definitely strange!
I’m not sure where you went to undergrad, but if there’s an alumni group in the city, you should totally join! I met tons of people that way when I first moved here. I also met friends via craigslist back in the day (yikes! I would never do that now!) and even chatted up people in the laundromat. I think recommendations for the meetup groups are great, and taking a class of any kind is also a great way to meet people with similar interests.
If you ever have desire to meet another blogger in person, we should definitely meet up! ( I promise, I never talk about the blogging biz, because I’m not really part of it!). I feel like I’ve sort of gotten to know you over the years anyway!
Great post, Victoria:). As someone who’s moved a lot, it’s tough–but doable. Plus, you seem like an extremely likeable person. Put yourself in the right situation and people will come to you.
I literally have this conversation with my husband once a week. Y’all, this does phenomenon is not only for people who have relocated! I am so beyond blessed to have my dearest childhood friends nearby in the Boston area – I talk to them daily, see them as often as our crazy schedules allow, have sleepovers every other month. But there is just a different kind of joy reserved for getting to new – and love – new people. I am constantly trying to find a way to get to know new people, but how difficult it is to ask a stranger on a “let’s be friends” date!
Totally, TOTALLY understand — not because I’ve moved, but because my husband did to live with me! He grew up in IL, went to Ohio State for grad school and we now live in Green Bay, WI. He’s lived here just over two years and his closest friends are still those he met in grad school that scattered all over the country, and his brother who’s about an hour and a half away. But he has found friends through sports — he plays softball every Monday night in the summer and
we’ve both met more people in the area through our gym. We’re not hardcore about working out, but we’ve made friends with people who maintain the same attitude to just get through the workout with! None of those relationships have developed into a “close friendship” — yet — but having even just one day a week where he knows he’s seeing people with similar interests that he knows by name really helps my husband be happier/less lonely. I bet your French classes will help you do the same! Good luck!
-Kodi
I’m so glad you brought this topic up, it is something that I have really struggled with! After graduating college I moved to Chicago and moved in with my boyfriend, while we had a bit of a network here in the city I found it really difficult to make friends. I was at a job for about six months where I made some friends, but they weren’t the genuine connections I craved and missed from college. After leaving that job we moved to the suburbs (for my new job) and it got even worse. My co-workers were all older and I had families and it’s not exactly like you can go to a bar and meet a new best friend!
This is legit something I write about all the time, because as someone who spent 7 years post-high school across the country, and then just recently moved overseas (yep I had NO friends in this country pretty much), I feel ya.
The truth is that it takes a lot of putting yourself out there, meeting someone once and having the balls to ask them to hang out again (even when you’re not sure you’re gonna click), and then being persistent with getting out and making it all a priority. I’ve shed a lot of tear and been so frustrated that I can’t just call someone and have them come over to drink wine and watch reruns with me, but I’m getting there. I’ve been in Australia for 14 months now, and only now am I really starting to find good friends that I don’t feel awkward texting randomly during the day.
Granted, you’ve got a bit more of a head start in your new home than I did with your blogger friends, my advice is to stay persistent, and really, really get out of your comfort zone. It’s a weird thing. And if you want (sorry, not trying to plug), I posted about my journey in the same arena about two weeks ago. Might make you feel a bit better!
http://cupcakesandcoffeebreaks.com/2013/09/coffee-talk-new-cities-and-new-friends/
Hi,
My name is Shira and I live in NY and want to be your friend. ;)
But seriously though, at this point in life, it is not easy to make friends. I’ve also made some friends when I started blogging but I mean….I never went away to college so I didn’t make that many friends in school or in grad school, I have friends at work but they’re my “work friends” and I actually have been feeling kind of lonely. It’s hard to have to work for something I’ve never had to worry about….
I’m so glad you wrote about this… I struggled when I first moved to SF because shortly after I moved my then bf and I broke up. Most of my friends there were really his friends, so I had to start from scratch. I forced myself to join many professional organizations and signed up for every event (after a rough few months). My two best friends came from 1) a horrible event where we discovered we were both miserable and took off for a glass of wine together and 2) a prof leadership training group. I’ve now been in Atlanta a year now and still very much struggling. Although I met an amazing man here, I worry I’m too dependent on him. I travel a lot for my job, and my greatest challenge is finding other women with similar life goals/a professional focus. I’ve joined the same organizations, but they just aren’t the support groups they were in SF. I’ve gone to leadership conferences and find myself standing alone in the hall starring at cliques… It’s hard, but hang in there and Fight On! Xoxo
I think the main thing is to be yourself. I just moved to Austin two weeks ago and was having anxiety about fitting in. Am I cool enough? Am I weird enough? That first week I was in anxiety mode and just wanted to hide behind a curtain. But, today I decided to throw on one of my favorite outfits and I have to say, it helped. I felt so much better walking out the door, braver even, and people seemed to take notice. One girl even stopped her car to say hello! I think having that confidence in who you are no matter where you are is contagious and it’ll bring some pretty cool people your way…at least that’s what I keep telling myself.
P.S. Having a really cute dog helps and so does playing Tetris on an old Gameboy while waiting in line. You’ll get someone’s attention, even if it’s only nerdy boys :)
I actually did introduce myself to someone in the supermarket once. I followed her around for a while and walked by her several times before finally saying hi. But it turned out she was moving to a different country that week. Or maybe she just thought I was a stalker :D
We’ve been really lucky in our new town because we became friends with our neighbour and then with his group of friends.
I don’t usually comment – but I read your blog regularly and today’s post just resonated with me so much. I moved from a big city to a small town for my husband two years ago – I consider myself extremely outgoing but I’ve had a hard time finding my niche. I have my husbands friends but want to have my own circle – what I can say is give it time, continue to be open and genuine as you are on your blog and you will find your circle . Thanks for being so honest as usual!
I love this. The Everygirl did a post on making friends recently too, and I commented on it, saying I lived in Columbus, OH and was feeling very lonely lately, as a lot of my college friends up and moved out of town this past year. Well, funny thing, I had a girl comment back to my post, and we’ve met up for drinks already this week! I think that’s how you do it. It can be so random.. meeting someone through blogging? who knew! Or volunteering is a great opportunity. Joining a workout class (something that’s not just a gym)… junior league, women’s groups.. the options are endless. I’ve realized I just need to start putting myself out there – even if it’s scary. Talk to the random at the coffee shop, or your waitress at dinner (who knew she was a local bridal designer!?!? another new friend I found). the opportunities are endless!
http://www.thecasualclassic.com
There is something excruciating wonderful about moving to a city where you know no one. I found a great time to regroup and reassess what I like to do first. In addition it became like a second honeymoon for my husband and I, a chance to get to know one another again in a new place. It took a bit to find and make new friends and after almost 2 years I have a small group that I connect with. Now we are not all the same age or even in the same age bracket but that is the beauty of it. I learned that you don’t have to have everything in common to be friends. Once I stopped looking for that it was easier.
Making new friends is hard … it’s so hard for me to even explain that I have written a few different responses to this blog and erased them all!
Lately I have been realizing that I don’t want to make friends just for the sake of making friends. I am craving friendships with meaning … you know, making friends with other females (and males) who are passionate about the same issues as me… who are TRULY supportive… who make as much of an effort as I do.
From my experience it takes a good mix of putting yourself out there and letting things happen naturally. It’s seriously a lot like dating… ah!
I know exactly how you feel! I’m the type of person who from the outside…appears like I am happy go lucky with tons of friends! However I’ve found as a young adult post-college, it is hard to sustain quality friendships and even harder to create new ones. It seems like the bigger the city, despite the amount of people, it is easiest to feel alone..so try to take a deep breath and realize you are not alone, you just need to step outside your comfort zone.
Why do I have to be the one to initiate a wine and cheese night? Why wasn’t I invited to the barbecue party? In the past few months I have realized that unless I take the initiative…nothing gets planned in my group of friends, so even though I have “friends”, we never see each other…that’s why you just need to be the one to say calling all people in NYC! And throw a party! What if you did a meet and greet for your blog…I’m sure there are a ton of readers out there who would love to be more than just a reader.
A lot of times people feel the same way as you feel right now, it just takes more initiative then we would like to be successful at forming new friendships. Who does your boyfriend hangout with? Are there any girls he could introduce you to through mutual acquaintances?
You’re still young, have you ever considered working at a restaurant or clothing boutique maybe twice a week? Don’t consider part-time jobs as a source to swallow free time, but they could help you open up more and meet new people too…that’s what I am doing! I just got a part-time job working twice a week at the local gastropub, and it is SO much fun! Sure some nights, I think to myself..What was I thinking signing up for all these extra responsibilities? But overall, I have already in a short time met new friends.
You have a dog! And you live in NYC! There has to be some dog/walk clubs or ways to interact with fellow dog lovers.
I hope my suggestions help, and good luck! :) Fill us in on what worked for you!
I love this post! I moved to a new city with my husband a few years ago. The first year there I was busy planning my wedding (and attending many others) in another city I didn’t really make any friends. At the beginning of the second year I decided I needed to make a real effort. I joined a meet-up group with girls with similar interests, and also joined Junior League. Through each I’ve met some great girls and their friends too. It was definitely out of my comfort zone to put myself out there but it has really paid off. So my best advice is to find some groups with similar interests and get out of your comfort zone a bit until you’ve formed some good relationships. Good luck!
What a relief to read this post. I moved to NYC in June, and aside from my boyfriend’s existing friends, I’ve really struggled with how to branch out and meet new people. I think it’s especially hard being in NYC, which is so… just… so busy. Not exactly the place to get that small town feeling of closeness when ordering a coffee in the morning!
Wow-spot on!! I too am in my late 20s-I’ll be 28 on Monday, also work from home (oil and gas and skin care network marketing to make friends) just moved to Houston with my boyfriend, and am completely excited to take on this city with my other “girlfriend” half and can’t find her/them anywhere.. I 100% can relate that it’s super tough to create long-lasting relationships with other girls at this age and especially when everyone around you is married and focused on growing a family! You are not alone, and I would totally friend you if our paths crossed :)
I have also experienced this – as I moved to Atlanta a year ago right before my husband and I got married. It has been very hard because I didn’t grow up here and didn’t go to school here. It hasn’t been easy – I’ve had to work hard at putting myself out there. I have befriended some of my husband’s friends wives, but we have also been “set up” with other young recently married couples. I have also joined a tennis team which helped. I think you have to be patient with yourself because it takes time (at least this is what I tell myself!). Also, you can’t really fabricate that “just clicking” with another person. Its interesting – sometimes it may surprise you how much you hit it off with someone you meet randomly!
Another thing that happens at this age is that people are in such different places. Since we don’t have kids, we aren’t really on the same schedule or talking about the same things as our friends that have children. AND another factor is that my husband is older than me – 36 – so a lot of his friend’s wives are a little older than me (I’m 30) and I’m kind of interested in meeting some women that are closer to my age or that don’t have kids yet.
One thought that I wanted to share with you about New York specifically. Right after college, I moved to New York and lived there for 5 years. I mostly hung out with my college friends and friends from law school. I found it very difficult to meet people in New York for some reason. I didn’t think people were as friendly there, so I do think you have to make an effort to seek out activities or clubs where you might make connections with people. When I left New York, I moved to Charleston and got invited to join a wine club. I hit it off with the girls instantly. I really wish that I had done something like this in New York. Sometimes just going to one event can lead to so many connections.
It is such a comfort to know that other people have this issue. It is very hard to be in a new place!!
Being a military wife, I TOTALLY know the feeling. It’s always so awkward too when you meet people because you don’t want to be OVER doing it, but you want to make connections. I find the gym was a good spot, and then my husband’s co-workers wives, but it takes time. I read your 3 month post a while back and can totally relate to it. I think it’s the same idea.
Wait till you have kids, it gets even harder cuz suddenly you have to be friends with other people who have kids the same age, and the wives and husbands have to get along, the kids have to get along too, etc. etc…. Sigh. Work in progress for sure!
It’s so wonderful that you wrote about this, as It often feels like an embarrassing subject to discuss, or if you tell anyone who’s never moved away before they just feel overly sorry for you!
I just moved to America from the UK, and previously lived in Greece. I found a girls group on the internet which was SO useful, then in the US I joined a girls group on meetup.com I honestly think this is THE best way to meet people. You’re all there for the same thing, and it takes the pressure off having to ‘chat’ to someone after yoga! It can definitely be exhausting though to go on ‘lady dates’ and it pushes you out of your comfort zone, and I’ll be honest sometimes I really don’t feel like going, but then when the day comes when I feel lonely and wish I had someone to go to lunch with, I regret not pushing myself.
It can suck, but I feel if you put yourself out there, even just the sheer fact that you ‘socialized’ is good for you.
I found it so interesting that someone said it put pressure on their relationship with their husband as that’s exactly what happened to me. You expect your partner to always hang out with you, to do exactly what you want to do, to be your girlfriend.. and it’s not cool, or fair on them!
Phew.. long comment… really really enjoyed reading this, and totally made me feel less lonely knowing other people feel the same way!! Thanks for writing this!
Victoria I get it. Yes after moving to Los Angeles from another country I had the same feelings. I managed to make friends in my acting class and they are the closet people to me whom I love, but it’s mostly industry talk. I too crave companionship as there is nothing like having a girlfriend or two whom you can trust and an truly connect with. The life long friendship is worth going after but must be pursued with patience and grace. This is what I’m finding. At my day job it’s hard to meet people because well its just me and my boss so I understand you completely. Have you tried using meet up for something that you’re interested in. I did fine dining and tarot cards and book clubs and I’ve meet some really cool people. Trying getting into some sort of hobby like a book club or whatever floats you’re boat. Its a start. And the way the universe works you’ll probably connect with someone that has nothing to do with any of those things, it’ll be at a Starbucks or clothing store in line or something, but because you made the effort magic happened. Good luck!
Sorr forgot to say girlfriendcircles.com. It’s a great resource also check out Shasta Nelson’s blog on friendships
Hi! I work alone, at home, and I work for myself so I don’t even have a boss to talk to! Soooo… I hold a monthly brunch for all of my girlfriends. It’s always on the first Sunday, same time, sometimes in different cities but always out, never at someone’s house, so everyone can plan ahead. Some friends are old, some are new, but the important tip is that every month I make an effort to invite an acquaintance, someone I may have met through a friend, or at work, or women who have started dating my guy friends. And if I don’t have someone in mind, then the invitation is always open for friends to bring their friends and so on. It’s been over a year of brunches and I feel more connected and less isolated every month. Let me know if you wanna come! :) I’m the only blogger lol
Girl, we’ve lived here for two years and I feel like I’m STILL trying to figure out the adult friend scene here. I think it definitely makes it harder when you don’t have kids, and working inside the home makes it tricky as well. G and I love doing things socially with other couples, so that adds another layer. :) That said, I’s still love to try and get a double date on the calendar with you guys sometime soon! XO
I can totally relate to this.
Without school or a typical job in my life, creating female friendships that last has been soo difficult. I know exactly what you mean- we’ll hang out a couple times and we still feel like strangers, so I feel defeated, like I’ll never really be able to create that close friendship connection with anyone again.
But, I think activities and classes are really where it’s at for meeting new friends. Also, it helps that my boyfriend is a complete extrovert, and I do meet people through him (his friends girlfriends). We have to just keep trying!
Oh man, this is all so familiar! My boyfriend and I moved to Dubai 7 months ago and we’ve met a very small handful of people so far (and most of them are guys). It’s been a much more difficult adjustment than I think either of us expected. He’s at least quite busy with work, but right now I’m unemployed, and it’s rough!
Just like you, my best friends are people I’ve known for years – we literally grew up together. And while I’ve joined a couple groups on meetup and met a few girls through that, it’s just not the same. I seem to go through a cycle where I’ll be really open minded, go to these meetups, and then kind of end up disappointed and discouraged because at the end of the day I just miss my best girl friends and it’s that type of interaction that I’m craving. Another thing that is tough is that I’m the type of person that has few but very meaningful friendships, I’m not that type of person who would say I have 20 close friends.
For now my plan is to have more regular Skype dates with everyone back home, continue going to these meetups, and try my best to find a job!! And even though it can be disheartening, I think it’s still important to keep putting yourself out there, even if it’s out of your comfort zone, otherwise nothing will change! Good luck to you, just remember you’re not alone!
Well i am 31 i had a close friend in high school she went for a scholarship and came back as a whole different person it took us 2-3 years to go back to a what you can call a friendship but not as strong or close as it used to be since she already have a close friend (bff) as they call each other i was jealous :) then i got over it. anyways after collage i had a bf whom i thought of as my best friend (silly) then after breaking up i went to new york then came back extra friendly and making friends anywhere i go until i recognized i have lots of acquaintances and no real friends and now iv been single for 4 years and have no close friends i feel so lonely i used to go out a lot until i felt it makes me feel more lonely its not easy to meet a good easy guy in the middle east nor a close friend who wouldn’t change after getting married.
I just moved back to my hometown on the east coast after a bazillion years in the SF area, and I can really relate to this issue. I’m reconnecting with a lot of people I knew growing up, but frankly, they’re all married, and I’m not, so there’s still that hole.
I’ve done other major moves before, though, and I’ve found that a combination of approaches works best, but a few really are standouts. Get involved in the religious institution and related organizations of your choice – and in other volunteer work for causes that you find meaningful, especially if religion isn’t your thing. Meals on Wheels, animal shelters, political clubs, hospital or symphony auxiliaries, whatever floats your boat.
The local alumni club for your college is a goldmine, and even if there isn’t one, a call to your alumni association may well turn up local alums who might be more than happy to at least get together with you and help orient you to your new home. Professional associations for your occupation are great places to meet people as well.
Offer to help out with anything and everything these groups are doing, especially some of the less popular jobs, and you will stand out and automatically draw people to you. These are all places and organizations where you will have built-in opportunities to form long term relationships with people as you work on common causes.
Clubs focussed on interests you have like ski clubs, dive clubs, and even country clubs can be great places to meet folks. Ditto with health clubs/gyms, particularly if any near you are especially known for their social events. Most will offer free passes for at least a few visits, so check them out.
Go take classes! So many schools and other organizations offer all kinds of extended community education. You can further explore existing interests, or try out new things. You’ll have a better chance of getting to know people if the class has at least a few meetings vs being just a one-shot deal, but even the latter can be useful socially.
If you’re single, join a singles club even if you aren’t interested in dating, and focus on just getting to know the other women (or men, if you’re a guy). Especially if it’s an activity-focussed club like a ski club or other sports club, you’ll find lots of other women looking for the same thing. They’ve often already dated any of the guys they might have found interesting and are there now more for the ongoing friendships. Again, pitch in and offer to help out right away.
I second the recommendations about MeetUp, too. That has been just terrific for me. The best part is that if there isn’t a group focussed on a topic or activity you enjoy, you can start your own – and nowhere else is it as true that if you build it, they will come. I’m about to start one I’m going to call “California Expats of Pittsburgh”, and a number of other former Californians I know here are very interested. I mean, how better to make friends than from amongst a group who has also lived in the same other places you have, who might even have friends in common with you already that you didn’t know about? The MeetUp site itself automatically promotes new groups to members, so just by setting one up, the word will get around.
Go out to eat and sit at the bar or communal tables, and strike up conversations with others, especially other solo diners. I have met all kinds of cool people at sushi bars in particular, and even if the relationship goes no further, at least you often get some nice conversation during that meal.
Of course, all of these solutions require at least a certain level of outgoingness and willingness to put yourself on the line to at least strike up initial conversations, but if you focus on things you are already interested in, that can help even the shyest and most introverted open up.
I feel I need to participate in this wanting discussion. I am 26 and finished post-graduation more than 2 years ago. That means college/university friends are no longer an option. To top it, I moved countries about 6 months ago. An opportunity at work uprooted me from Bangalore, India and landed me in the middle of nowhere in Pennsylvania, in a smallish suburb called Bluebell. So, here I was without friends, family or even an acquaintance in the area. I was in a totally new office with no-one my age or even near my age. And to add insult to injury, I am banished to a quiet, small suburban town when I am a woman in love with cities. So, here went away my option of solo-sojourns. What made me dread this experience even more was that I am a cliquey person and have always had a really small, tightly-knit social-circle. All the while when I was planning to move, my sister, cousins and friends gave me contacts of people they knew or were friends with anywhere in area. Take them and keep them handy for when it becomes necessary to have human contact.
From my experience in the past 6 months, I would talk about two main things. If you are still the roommate kind, find one for yourself! I was lucky to find 2. A Croatian woman two years older to me who works in the area and an Indian girl. And yes, I found them via ‘Craigslist’ (I can hear the sigh!). Fortunately, both of them turned out to be sweet and friendly. However, one is engaged to be married and works long hours, so obviously doesn’t have time to join me most of the time. Still, she is good company on weekdays after work and for happy hour drinks once in a while. I was good friends with the Indian girl, but as fate would have it, she left the area and moved back to her parents’.
The second suggestion is something already suggested in the posts above, join MeetUp. They have a group for almost any activity you want or any demographics you are looking for. I joined a couple of groups within a week or two of moving, however, I have attended only 2-3 meetups. To be fair, in my experience, you won’t meet a lot of people to your liking. I, however, was lucky and found a couple of people. I know have weekend plans and a girlfriend to go shopping with. Another suggestion which ^Wendy here also gives is that be proactive. I connected with a friend of my sister’s friend who works in the area. He and I now meet for drinks and are making plans for the long weekend! Connect with people you met once or twice and go for a movie, you will feel good. Initiate a meetup at one of the bars and see how many turn-up. Sift through those and pick who you like! Maybe, they pick you too and you would at least have two more people in your life!
I still crave for the connection with friends from back home and the never-ending conversations! Facetime away those cravings but don’t get addicted ;)
I’m relating somewhat but am in a whole different age bracket and alone other than my daughter who lives w her roommate and has been here in Knoxville, Tn area for about five years now. She has a group of friends she has formed here that i have met some of that I love and I am quite happy for because it hasnt always been easy for her either. Yet she works and has been on sites to meet people and being young definitely is helpful too I’m sure. I, however, have medical issues I’ve battled with for a while now and haven’t been able to work in over twelve years. I’m usually a caring and fun person , I like to think ,and young thinking and open minded too. I would like to start my time in this new area in a new and positive way and although I haven’t had problems in the past meeting people and making friends, it is something I’d like to do right off if I can so that I don’t become one of those bothersome moms who just contact their daughter for everything they need to know about and wait around for their daughter to have any time to do something fun. After all that wouldn’t be fair to either of us. I’m happy to be living here and looking forward to all kinds of new things. If anyone can offer ways to get out of my own surroundings, apartment that i am in process of getting together , since i just moved here this week, I’d be happy to consider them.